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I think that the most difficult struggles in my life have taken place when I put down the scriptures and stopped reading for quite a while.
In 1995, I went through a very difficult time, but I had been reading the scriptures, and because of that, I had feelings (promptings) that something wasn't right in my life, due to the choices of someone else. During those promptings, I opened my scriptures and I let them open to whatever page came up, and I would read. Usually I felt some comfort in what I read, but I was still experiencing some confusion in my life and I felt so lost and just couldn't really pinpoint exactly what was going on.
In October of that year, I was painting pumpkins to put on my front deck, and I received a knock at my door. An 18 year old woman and her parents greeted me by name as I opened my door to them. They knew who I was, they knew my two young sons, and I felt numb as they asked me questions about myself and then informed me of something that had been going on behind my back during the previous 10 months.
They knew that I was in shock, so they encouraged me to call my local church Bishop, then I called my mom, and a family member from the other side of the family. All of these people sat in my living room as the parents of this young girl went into detail of the events that had been taking place for almost a year. I was devastated by their news, but not really surprised because it wasn't the first time of such things going on. I didn't know what to do, but everything started to add up, and I realized that the feelings that I had had, that something wasn't right, was helping to prepare me for the news that I received on this day.
I had troubles sleeping, it felt like a death, and I guess in a way it was. The first night, I prayed and prayed to know what to do. I opened the Book of Mormon and I read the entire book in less than three days; it was the first time in my life that I had read the book in its entirety. I wondered who I was and about my worth as a human being, and especially my worth as a daughter of God. I questioned God about so many things and I gained a greater closeness to Him and the scriptures, but unfortunately, I didn't allow myself to really fully concentrate on the messages from God because I still giving others a chance to convince me to let it all go, sweep it all under the rug, and just move on and forward and act as if nothing had ever happened.
I was so confused, I felt so lost. I wish that I would have taken into account those feelings a lot more instead of listening to the voices of others who seemed to drown out the voice that I was really looking for. After just one month, I decided to work things out and move on.........to this day, I know that it wasn't a good decision for me, and yet, if I hadn't made that decision, I would have never known the blessings that came to me in 1996, 1998, and 2001. I love and cherish those extra blessings that I received and I know that they were given to me for a reason. I know that God loves me and He knows of my needs, I just need to have faith and trust in Him and know that everything will work out.
I made my own mistakes along the way, and 12 years later I made some very poor choices, during a time when I had given up on the scriptures and the word of God for a couple of years. I fell by the wayside and I did not endure through the challenges that I had been going through. Through my mistakes, I learned many lessons, and I was given new chances which opened a lot of doors for me, but there are still consequences and challenges that I still have to deal with from the life that I used to live.
I look forward to reading the scriptures each day. It makes a huge difference in my life as I am able to grow closer to my Heavenly Father. I know that in order for me to stay close to my Heavenly Father, I need to put in a lot of extra effort because of the doubt that I develop through the consequences of my life. I love Him and I know that He answers our prayers if we will just take the time to communicate with Him and patiently wait for His answers, and submit to His will, with complete faith.
Mosiah 7:33 - But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage
